Wednesday, January 05, 2011

As Promised

I told several people that my first blog would be called something like, "My Mysore Mess." I guess it all started in August when my beloved boss left risd|works for a great new job in a great new city. I realized very quickly that Matt Johnson was magic. I know now that his energy was what got me to put on pants with a button and zipper and spend nearly eight hours selling widgets, very well designed widgets, but widgets none the less. While Matt was around I could practice before work, make workshop plans, and even fit in a one month trip to Mysore last January. After August with increased stress at work, and a crazy teaching schedule I watched my mood go down,down,down. I starting sleeping excessively, practicing very little, crying a lot, and drinking too much. By the time I got on that plane this week my body, mind, and spirit could be described as the opposite of yoga, union. During this post August time I read several interviews with yogis online. They all seemed to be happy to get up at 4am to practice and make their macrobiotic food. Not one hinted at how hard it may be to fit practice into a 9-5 lifestyle when there is no yoga shala and it is always a home practice, no teacher, just you. How daunting it might be if not one of your friends practices and socializing happens at happy hour. Not one mentioned worrying about money, stress with their family, or battling near crippling depression, all of which plague me. Reading about these perfect yogis made me feel even worse. I just felt like a big Mysore mess.

I don't know where these three months will take me. Will I retire as a teacher? Will I get past the self doubt? Are yoga teachers perfect? At conference with A.G. Mohan someone asked him how does one reconcile between the teacher as teacher, and teacher as a human being. He responded, "can your teacher be anything but human?" For the first time this Mysore mess felt a wave of relief. Teacher as human is a role I can identify with.


aja said...

Oh friend, I could write a tome about how hard it is...the 9-5, practicing alone...all of it. So know you were not alone :)

Sara said...

Jai Jill! You are not alone. I hear you. There IS a Shala in Portland. But there are also 7:30-5:30 days at school. Near East Yoga is far by bus or bike, which is what I have. No yoga friends, school crippling yoga club more each term, and a practice that has resigned itself to a carpeted livingroom with a curious pup....all this adds up to EXACTLY what you describe on a student's debt funded 'salary'. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you.
I suspect that these amazing yogis with the will power have this too, it's just too much to admit in a published interview.

I leave you with your best inspirational quote "Yoga is hard." Thank goodness we are the lucky ones that can at least have yoga, it is much worse for those who don't even know what they're missing.